Sometimes the problem isn't the problem--the problem is how we cope with the problem. That means, even when we experience more problems than usual, we still have to examine how we cope with them. We need to proceed with caution. We need to examine and see how we can approach the layers of difficulties better. Dr. Allen Berger wants us to not only achieve physical sobriety, but emotional sobriety as well. In his book, 12 Smart Things to Do When the Booze and Drugs Are Gone, he tells us that emotional sobriety is a process, not an event. And, part of that process is to figure out how to cope with our problems in ways that are most beneficial for our emotional--and physical--sobriety. The following excerpt explains more about how to step back and assess what we think is the problem, to be able to figure out how to cope with it in an emotionally sober way. This excerpt is from 12 Smart Things to Do When the Booze and Drugs Are Gone by Allen Berger and Artifical Intelligence (https://solitaryai.art/) has been edited for brevity.
Emotional sobriety is the result of a new way of being. It's a new way of looking at life and a new way of looking at ourselves. If we commit ourselves to this journey, we will use our personal compass to guide ourselves in new directions. We will move toward being more thoughtful, and move away from being reactive. We will move toward integrity, and move away from playing games with ourselves and others. We will move toward our true-self, and move away from our idealized or false-self. We will move away from perfectionism, and move toward appreciating progress. We will strive to maintain a relationship with ourselves, to honor ourselves, and move away from betraying and abandoning ourselves. Our growth along these lines is ongoing. Emotional sobriety is not an event; it is a process. We will never master emotional sobriety, but we will learn to grow it from our mistakes and experiences. Our efforts will help us develop a new level of compassion for ourselves and for others.
Sounds great, doesn't it? It is, and it can happen to you if you work for it! If you are willing to experiment with some of the suggestions in this book, you will begin to discover how to hold on to yourself. You will learn how to take charge of your emotions rather than letting your emotions drive you. The quality of your life will improve. But I want to help you understand what creates the problems in our life. I want you to look at the very notion of "problems" from a different perspective and to see that the problem--whatever problem you think you have--is most often not the real problem. What you've identified as the problem is really a sign that something is lacking in your life. The "something missing" is the real problem and is a key to regaining your true-self. Your job, in seeking emotional sobriety, is to find out what's missing.
When we function from our true-self, we will cope with problems with the best and most relevant parts of ourselves. We won't let the holes in our personality dictate how we respond to a problem. As the brilliant therapist Virginia Satir stated, "The problem is not the problem. The problem is coping" (1972). Coping is hampered when we have holes in our personality. When we disown who we are, we can never cope that well with life. Life requires all hands on deck. Throughout this book, we have explored many different ways to cope with the feelings or problems we encounter at work, in relationships, or in maintaining a relationship with ourselves. Here are a few tips for handling an impasse with a problem. Remember, what you think is the problem is not necessarily the real problem. The following actions are designed to help you discover the real problem. Do something different. Doing the same thing and expecting different results is the definition of insanity.
Th is content has been written wi th GSA Conte nt Generat or D em over sion.
A good rule of thumb is to do something that is 180 degrees out from what you have been doing. If you are hard, soften yourself. If you are passive, become proactive. If you are reactive, become thoughtful. If you are a pushover, become assertive. If you are paralyzed with fear, be daring and outrageous. If you are too serious, lighten up. Consider the opposite of what you typically do. Reconsider issues, options, and solutions that you rejected as unacceptable or undoable in the past. In order to do this, ask yourself what you would have to change about yourself or what you would have to accept or give up for this to become a real option. Maybe you will discover that what you need to give up is something that is worth letting go of and Artifical Intelligence that you would like yourself more if you could do this. Stop "awfulizing." Accept the present reality as it is and settle down. Quiet yourself with a prayer or meditation instead of exacerbating your anxious state of mind.